‘Seriously, why is it so difficult to meet a normal, unattached, decent expat man in this city. Only all these weirdos around?’' I asked my friend Joanna while catching up after a busy September, sitting on the legendary YKR, just moments before bothered by some lunatic drunkards.
‘Simple mathematics’ – she replied (good to have nerdy friends when you are everything but one). ’Look. I checked the numbers. There are roughly 120,000 male expats here. Subtract 40,000 married ones or with gfs, because they don’t count as men for us anymore. That leaves us with 80,000.Take away another 20,000 for ‘yellow fever infected’ ones and 20,000 for psychopaths. Now we have 40,000. The number gets smaller as you knock out 20,000 who are students or are too old, minus another 10,000 of those just looking for hookups. And don’t forget around 9,000 gay guys. The final number of straight, eligible expat men would be 1,000’.
Well, one might say this number is not so small. But! Now think about all those who only pretend they are single but actually are not and more than ready to mingle? And about the ones who take off the ring the moment the plane touches down at Pudong Airport or are on a break for the time their significant others are in their home countries. And since the pattern ‘gf out of town, go out, cheat, sleep, repeat’ is a daily norm here for many, it’s about time to learn the essential vocabulary revolving around the topic.
1. 出轨 chū guǐ or 偷情 tōu qíng
Let’s start from ‘scratch’. Both of these words generally mean ‘to cheat;’ however the exact translations differ slightly.
出轨 chū guǐ means ‘go off the rails’ ‘be derailed’ – sounds rough and gets the message across clearly (if you watched Clive Owen back in 2005 ‘derailing’ with Jennifer Aniston, have in mind the music one might face afterward).
偷情 tōu qíng – a ‘softer’ version which means ‘carry on a clandestine love affair’.
2. 奸夫 淫妇 jiān fū yín fù
Very intriguing phrase. Although a dictionary will simplify it to ‘adulterous couple’, here is the ‘deeper meaning’, given to me by my irreplaceable friend Marilyn aka Shanghai’s famous boho clothing seller Sama Sama Collective: ‘It is a very accusatory expression, blaming the cheating couple for being sluts'. The character 奸 jiān means ‘evil’/’crafty’ and 淫 yín promiscuous/slutty. 夫 fū stands for the guy/husband and 妇 fù for woman. And the whole ‘story’ goes like this (citing Sama Sama Collective): ‘Chinese would always assume that the man is the one who is seducing the woman. So the crafty man - jiān fū - would do something evil to make - fù (woman) - fall for his schemes , so it is perfect combination how they hooked up’
3. 小三 xiǎo sān and 二奶 èr nǎi
Turns out that this is a new tradition and a ‘must have’ for powerful men in China, as some sources claim. It's not the latest iPhone or iPad to signal status, but..keeping ‘another EXPENSIVE woman’. ‘Otherwise you are not a real man’. However, there are two main types of these ‘trophies’:
二奶 èr nǎi – second woman – usually comes from rural area, can be found working in a massage parlour and will usually cost around RMB 20,000 per month (but a lucky man will get one for 10 or 5,000 from smaller towns) and maybe even an apartment. The benefit is that she will not press him to divorce, so it's a stress free option.
小三 xiǎo sān – ‘small three’ – because a small three already has her own job and money, this MAY seem like a cheaper option,HOWEVER! Sooner or later the shove for divorce and remarriage might come up.
4. 戴绿帽子dài lǜ mào zi – ‘wear a green hat’ or ‘cuckold’
Alright, women sometimes cheat as well. And when they do, their partners put the shameful ‘green hats on’ (of course, that is if they get caught!). Why? There are a few stories behind it. One is that this expression sounds similar to ‘cuckold’. But I like the three other stories more. #1 – during the Yuan dynasty the families of prostitutes were forced to wear green hats; #2 – the MALE brothel workers during Tang dynasty wore green hats ; #3 – an anonymous hard-working man left the house wearing a green hat forgotten by his wife’s boy-toy.
One person I know (alright – a guy, but being the good buddy I am, I will keep him anonymous for the sake of his future encounters with girls) always tries to convince me that there are different types of cheating as well, and not all are that bad. Having 100 different hookups is not as harmful as keeping an èr nǎi or xiǎo sān. And it seems like many others share this point of view. But, at the end of the day, should we be surprised? If we stick to Darwin’s theory, human beings are descended from the primates and that means we have inherited a lot of their drives and basic psychology. He suggests that our inability to live up to our ideal is not wholly our own fault. We are half apes. And for apes to aim for faithful, lifelong, passionate, egalitarian relationships is to attempt to pull off something HUGELY difficult, starting from a very unpromising base. No wonder we often fail. Well, not a very comforting conclusion. Especially looking at the math equation I mentioned at the beginning. But what else is there to do, especially for us, girls, if not to keep on thinking that what we are left with is quite good, despite the striking imperfections of the list above.
PS..And if any male–readers feel like they would like to file a hurt-feelings report on the details of the calculations about eligible men, please find Joanna @Donghu lu, The Craft, Shanghai. I am only citing ;P